My head pounded with pain as I drove home from class. A glance in the mirror would show that my sore nose was slowly turning red, a gift given to me by someone going a little too hard in the gym. Looking left and right at the passing cars, sweat poured from my forehead down into my eyes like tears. It was a rough day in class for me and the negative thoughts hurt worse than the bruises received.
I felt trapped. Stuck in a rut that was dug by myself. I didn't like my job, but I excelled at it. I liked martial arts, but did poorly at it. What made all of this worse was that my first fight ever was rapidly approaching. All that I could think about was how unprepared I am. Mentally and physically.
Days were wasted as I worked many hours of overtime, and the little time I did have to myself was spent laying in bed watching videos. I know what I should do, what I could do, but I couldn't will myself out of this lazy state. Now, that my trip to Germany has arrived I can say that I'm not excited. To be honest, I might've forgotten about it if I wasn't reminded about it from my family.
God, I'm so tired.
The situation I'm in is wonderful. I'm saving money, my girlfriend is trying to get a visa, I have a good paying job, and few responsibilities. Yet, this negative mindset is getting stronger each day. Amplified by the fact that I've had to change my plan, my dislike for my job and gym, and not having fun from the things that used to.
I don't know what I want.
Adventure? Excitement? Change? Love?
Hell if I know, I'm just waiting for something.
-Johnny Fuger